Adult children

[angeljosipa]

:help: I would like to know how to handle adult kids, when they still live at home and won't do anything you ask them to do.
My daughter is a great kid, but she will not do anything you ask her to. She has just lost her job, as she quit, I agreed with this as there was harrassment involved. :(
I have recently come out of hospital and everything I ask is way too hard for her. She loves going out and loves her sleep, does things for everyone else straight away but whinges about family. When Dad says something it gets done right away. All she has to do is take her younger sister to school in the morning, even doing the dishes and so on is way too hard for her. I am at my teather. Sure she is depressed, but so am I and am on meds for that also. I don't usually ask of her anything. Oh yes, I also have to be careful that she doesn't start cutting again. :( I feel used and mistreated by her. ;( ;(
Her younger sister is great and nothing is too hard for her, attitudes always clash with these two.
Can anyone give some suggestions how I can handle this?

[Naomi]

I have to start by saying I have no experience in this myself (my boy is just a baby still, and as an adult child - I moved out of home for uni so never really experienced this situation).

But I want to say, you really do sound like your are at the end of your tether! It seems to be a hard situation ... is she doing something about the harrassment issue at her former job? Was she a member of her union, because they might be able to help with that. I don't think it's fair that employers get away with that kind of thing and people like your poor daughter have to live with the fallout.

I know you need to be gentle with her, especially with the previous cutting but she also needs to respect you and your wishes in your house. Can you talk about it and come to an agreement or compromise on what you expect her to do and what she feels she should do around the house? If you have a set agreement and she knows up front what your expectations are, she may be more willing to do things? If she knows you realise that she is an adult now, and treat her accordingly, but still have expectations of her contributing to the family, that might help? Is she seeing someone (a counsellor etc) to talk about some of the things that are causing her depression? Sometimes talking to someone outside the situation can be a good form of release.

I know I have no right to suggest any of these things and I don't really know your situation beyond what you've posted here, but you just sound so sad that I want to help in some way. If I am being out of line, please disreagrd what I've said, but take this (HUG) :hug: . I hope things settle down for you really soon.

[Tora]

Angeljosepa, you and I should get our two together!!!! LMAO I have a Son who is 19 years old, and lives at home also. He too has previously been a "cutter" and needs to be dealt with carefully. He also doesn't seem to hear me when I speak, yet will gladly and willingly help anyone else! :( He resents me getting him out of bed before 11am! He whinges no matter what I ask of him, be it stacking dishwasher (such a tough job that!!!) or peeling vegies, or bringing in wood for the fire! He doesn't have any set jobs, except taking out the garbage, but seems no matter what, it's just too difficult! He has started working one day a week, and it will lead to more, so for that I am thankful!

I do not know the answer. I wish I did. :( I think it is one of those situations that seems to come with the job of being "Mum" as unfair as that seems. What I do try doing with my Son, is setting him jobs in a morning, and telling him he can please himself then for the rest of the day, just give me an hour of his time first. It sort of works. If he starts complaining, I just give him extra work. Tell him had he done what I asked, his job would be finished and he wouldn't have had to do anything else. Usually, the next day he is heaps better and gets on with it. :) I think they do this with us Mum's because they can! :blush:

I know he thinks I am a nag, but I just don't understand why he cannot do as he is asked, and have done with it!!! :tyeo:

Sorry I cannot be more help to you, I sincerely hope you get some help with your daughter, because it does become very trying. :hug:

Anne (Tora)

[~Janet~]

I don't have adult children either, but I would like to send you lots of Big Hugs :hug: :hug: :(

If you need to chat, we are here for you ok.

Janet

[Manda]

I was in a simillar postion to your Daughter when i was 18 (i quit my job due to personal ans deppression issues) My mum never knew tho (about the depression so therefore she thought i was lazy and she also never knew that i had been a cutter in high school (i always hid it- was able to due to the different hours we were doiing we hardley crossed paths), so unlike your Daughter i never had support, just a mother who i couldnt please and who was always dissapointed in me no matter what i did, She ended up saying to me " Im not kicking you out but i want you to find somewhere else to live"
I dont know whether that was the right thing for her to do or not ( i still resent the lack of support)
Im also NOT saying that this is what you should think of doing, im just sorta sharing my story.
Although Just sitting here thinking about those days does make me think about something that may or may not help you. ........At times my mother would tell me she loved me but i didnt always believe it and thats why i think i felt so low and never really strived hard, not believing her really did play a big part on my motivational levels and how much i would listen and take in what she said........IS there a chance that your Daughter may feel like this? ...its not that my mother never said it (i love you) its that i never believed it ...i think by her actions, she *said* it but rarely did anything to *show* it.
I really dont know, im sorry i cant help you ......i hope my post isnt confusing.

Hope everything works out for you both.

[Jewly]

Angeljosipa,

I really feel for you, and I can just imagine how you're feeling at the moment. I to am having problems with my son lately, but he's only 12 (nearly 13).

In my situation, I've been a single mother almost from the time he was born, and I have always strived to give him a normal upbringing and he's had strict discipline all his life, and yet for the past 8-9 months, his attitude and behaviour have left a lot to be desired. Last week, I had a visit from two detectives one night, and I found out that Zac has been involved in 6-7 break and enters up at his former primary school and they smashed windows/toilets and caused over $2500 worth of damage.

I feel so betrayed by him, and so hurt that he would go and do something like this, after all the hard work I've put in over the years to be a good mother to him. I feel he's thrown it all back in my face and it's been really hard for me to even be around him the last few days but things are getting better. I've now taken all his privledges away, and he's grounded until further notice. He's proved to me that he can't make decent decisions for himself, so I intend to make the decisions for him from now on, and I won't be giving him too many more chances to betray me.

Now, getting back to your situation. I would simply be sitting your family all down and explaining to everyone that being part of a family means you all pitch in and do your fair share and that there are rules that everyone follows. I would offer your daughter all the help she needs/wants, but I would also let her know that you expect her to do the right thing in return and that if that doesn't start happening, then maybe it would be time that she found her own place. I'm afraid, I'm not willing to let my adult son live in my home, if he doesn't show me respect or doesn't follow my rules.

I have warned Zac that if he chooses to continue on the way he has been acting lately, then at some point when he's older and able to go out and get a job, then I will be asking him to leave my home and he can go and fend for himself. Even at the age he is now, after all the things that have happened lately, I no longer feel I can trust him to be in the house on his own and it's awful to have to feel that way.

Maybe some people might think that I'm too harsh, but I spent the first 20 odd years of my life, being treated like crap by those who were supposed to love me, and I will no longer put up with it, no matter who is dishing it out. I would rather be totally on my own, than allow others to disrespect me in my own home.

[angeljosipa]

Hi everyone and thank you for your time and replies, they are very appreciated.

:) Naomi - You have every right to reply and I won't disregard what you have said. I really do appreciate what you have said. Unfortunately this is a company who has no union :( and she is taking it further, with our 100% behind her. She told us all about it and all my husband and I wanted to do is take a baseball bat and give it to him. That is a parents first reaction I think, when your child gets hurt no matter which way. With her doing it the legal way, I feel that the owner will get his just deserve, he asked her 'when are you going to stand up to me?', well she is now, where it will hurt most, :2c: the hip pocket. I too don't understand how these people think they can get away with it. She's not seeing a councillor yet, as she hasn't made the appointment yet. Although for some reason, she has become closer to her brother and spends most time with her little nephew who is 19 mths old. She takes him everywhere and loves it. I think she's getting clucky! lol. Thank you also for the hug I really needed it and here is one right back at you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Tora - LMAO LMAO It does look like that we should get together, I thought I was reading my own story when I read yours. lol My darling doesn't like leaving her bed once she's in it, although at night it seems like that it has nails or something in it preventing her to go to sleep. I am amazed at the anticks they come up with. When I say anything she will say' but you don't understand mum, really you don't understand'. Yeah right, I was born a mum straight away, was never young like you, sometimes it seems that way, they don't think that you were their age once too, :P funny that is. Sure I had arguements with my son as well but nothing like with my daughter. I also have a younger daughter who is doing her School Certificate. These two clash every morning, but if I go inbetween I am the worlds worst person and they are best friends after their barney. So I don't say anything anymore.
:pam: Last night she suprised me! We had to go to yr 11 information night, she gave myself and sis a lift and I said 'I feel as if I am going to collapse', she rang bro up to pick me up from school and she stayed there with her sister! With this you look at her and say, where did that come from? , you know what I mean?
She has a seminar to go to and is thinking of going to TAFE to either do Hairdressing or Childcare (those poor kids, lol), no, she's good otherwise, just can't get her motivated to do things.
You are quite right, it is very trying at times and at other times she's such an angel. I must wonder if things are going to change a little since she's got a bf now.
I wish you all the best with your son and thank you for the hugs and I hug you right back.

Janet - Thank you for your hugs and encouragement.

Mandy - Thank you so very much, when I read your reply I just wanted to reach out and give you the biggest hug ever, so here it is ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))). I am so sorry that you have a hard time with your mum.
I sometimes feel that she takes my love for granted and feel if she hasn't got it she will find out what she's missing. At the same time, I could never deny her the love, it's just not in my nature. When I see a sad child, my instinct is to reach out to that child and comfort it. I think it might have a lot to do with me loosing a daughter when I was very young to Leukemia at the age of 2yrs2mths. In those days they had no cures, but anyway it's a long time ago. Don't get me wrong, I still cry for her after all these yrs and miss her like crazy, the year was 1977. Everyone always tells me that I am way too emotional, I can be very hard and strong when it is called for, believe me!, but otherwise, emotional that's me.
No one is allowed to walk out of the door without saying goodbye, and then I always say' have a good day, and I love you'. The one time I didn't do that, they got worried and asked what was wrong,lol. At the same time I do think she believes me, and her cousins have told her how much they envy her to have a mum who cares so much. Now when they go to night clubs and I message to see if she's ok, I have to include everyone who is with her, lol , or they get upset as their parents don't do that. I won't go to bed until she's home safe in bed, or when she stays over she messages me that they are home. Up until now she hasn't lied to me, which I think is lucky for me.
Here is the thing too, she likes going over cousins place, as there are no rules. Cousins like coming over here as there are set rules, such as, call if you're not coming home, and before you even leave you need to give info with how many ppl your going out with and who. They like that for some reason. The cousins drinks were spiked and so were their friends, all of them had to be resucitated, this was before my daughter (Mandy) started going out with them. I will tell you something now and they all thought it weird but Mandy said, no that's my mum.
They went to an RSL in the western suburbs, 2 cousins with friends and my daughter. Boy cousin was pretty drunk and they tried to get him to go home. Half an hour before anything happened I messaged my daughter and even swore, which I never do. I wrote,'what the f is going on, you be very careful, don't drink too much and be careful going to the car.' Well, as they were going to the car there were quite a few Asseryen guys and a girlfriend in the car park. Now the security guard escorted them out to the door and no further, he supposed to go right up to the car with them. Anyway, they got attacked, cousin boy was kicked to the ground and the girls tried to get them of him and with that my daughter got punched in the jaw, she turned around and punched the guy in the face, she had a ring on which left a good mark, it drew blood and the girlfriend of this guy said stop hitting my boyfriend, and my daughter turned around and jst looked at her and went to help the girl cousin, who was puched hard against the car. The police was called and two of those guys were arrested, as they were known to the police and made trouble the previous days in the same car park. Cousin girls chest was all bruised, her brother had two blackeyes and black and blue all over his body ( he is suing the club) and my daughters bruise came out a couple of days later, it was all caught on camera as well. After they got home she showed the cousins and friends the message I sent and she told me that she was ok, only because she knew I wouldn't go to sleep knowing she was hurt. To this day they can't understand why I sent that message at a time when everything was alright. Weird?!
No your post is not confusing Mandy, thank you.

Jewel - ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) for you and I hope that everything works out for you and your son. I know it is hard when they go of the rails.
My daughter, Mandy, jigged school once with her friends and I found out and told her, well girl, you want to hang around those girls you need to pay the consequences, you will have to tell Dad or I will . She begged me not to say anything but I made her tell him, yes I was the worst person on this entire universe as her Dad is not one to hit, his words are sharp like razors, plus it hurt him so much that she would do something like that, he hurt her right back with his words. Yrs later when we were talking about it, she appologised to him and asked why he said the hurting words to her and he also appologised and told her, the only thing I could think of is hurting you back the same way you did to me. She never did anything like that again. All my kids are lets say scared to upset dad, they don't want those razor words to come out. So they are good as gold for him and walk all over me, the runts, lol. Having said that, the kids and I do have a great relationship though, they tell me everything what's on their mind, maybe not right there and then, but eventually it comes out.
I understand completely were you're coming from Jewels, I have been mistreated all my life as well and I always said, I will never be like my parents and I am not at most things. I don't treat my kids like I was treated but I still insist you don't just get anything handed to you, you must earn it.
Again I wish you all the best with Zac and hope that he leaves those kids and finds himself better friends.


Once again thank you so very much for your input, it is nice to be able to talk to other women about things, as I don't have friends outside of my home, as I haven't really sociolised for more than three yrs.
Thanks again my friends.
angeljosipa (angie)

[Naomi]

Hey Julie, I'm so sorry for the hard time you are having with Zac at the moment.

[Manda]

Angie, firstly thanks for the hug, secondly if you ever want to talk iam here, i may not have the expereience with adult children, but iam willing to listen and support you where i can and maybe offer advice from ayounger person point of view (not saying you wernt young once too but maybe having a youngish person who is detachted from the situation may help.
Anyway PM me anytime i also have yahoo and msn messenger If you have either of those you are welcome to add me.

Take care.
XXXX

[Jewly]

Naomi...thanks for your kind words.

Zac seems to have turned over a new leaf and is a different child to the one I was dealing with last week, so I'm going to keep up what I've been doing.

Eventually I will slowly give him back some responsibility but if he lets me down again, I will take it off him and he can start back at the beginning.

I've managed to be really firm with him this time and I think he now realises that he has to stop all this nonsense. A good serve of guilt has helped too, to make him realise how disappointed everyone has been with him.

[angeljosipa]

:) Mandy, thank you very much, I understand what you are saying and am grateful for it. I will add you once I find out your email addy in msg. Thanks again.


:) Jewly, I am glad that Zac has turned a page, he's quite a good looking young man.

Both my girls were picked up by big brother today to spend the day with them, so I am here on my own.
I squeeled this morning with fright and my youngest came in 5min later and asked what was wrong. When I told her that a daddy longlegs was crawling on me she couldn't stop laughing and kept teasing me. LMAO the cheeky girl.