Naomi
19-08-2005, 08:55 AM
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or
father.
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of
the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of
your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go
to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, Find a couple who are already
parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience,
appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children
to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping
habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -
it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm
to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the
bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk
around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for
3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to
bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in
the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep
this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto
the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and
leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub
them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and
a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of
the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into
an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of
foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping
pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the
playgroup committee.
Forget the hatchback and buy a big Volvo estate. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player.
Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back
seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the
front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the
front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the
road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your
steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors
come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now
just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Always repeat
everything you say at least five times.
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries
without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats
eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate
having children.
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and
attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.
Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making
sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a
12-month old baby.
Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat,
Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing
"Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
And remember:
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children and be nice to your
kids, they'll be the ones picking your retirement home !!
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or
father.
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of
the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of
your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go
to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, Find a couple who are already
parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience,
appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children
to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping
habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -
it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm
to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the
bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk
around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for
3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to
bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in
the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep
this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto
the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and
leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub
them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and
a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of
the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into
an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of
foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping
pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the
playgroup committee.
Forget the hatchback and buy a big Volvo estate. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player.
Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back
seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the
front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the
front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the
road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your
steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors
come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now
just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Always repeat
everything you say at least five times.
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries
without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats
eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate
having children.
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and
attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.
Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making
sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a
12-month old baby.
Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat,
Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing
"Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
And remember:
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children and be nice to your
kids, they'll be the ones picking your retirement home !!