Loss of A Child

[rosie1962]

Hi, My name is Cathy and am hoping to find some new friends. All my so called friends have abandoned me when I need them the most so I have turned to the computer, sad isn't it. The reason why everybody has deserted me is that my 13 year old son was killed 12 months ago and nobody knows how to approach me so they don't bother at all.

Mitchell was walking home from school with his friends and got his foot caught on a guard rail and fell into the path of a van. He was killed instantly. My life has changed forever. Trust me it doesn't happen like it does in the movies where the police come and find you, sit you down and tell you what happened. I was not told for 2 hours after the accident and my ex husband told me over the phone while I was at work.

Mitchell's 18 year old brother will not talk about it all and his 6 year old brother does nothing but talk about it. Life has lost all meaning to and I question why.

I was hoping (actually I don't hope) if anybody else is living this nightmare may reply or get in touch with me. This pain never leaves you.

Thanks for reading, Cathy

[Colby]

Hi Cathy, I am deeply sorry for your loss and I cannot begin to understand what you are going through and will not pretend to either. I have no doubt the last 12 months have been extremely difficult and I'm sorry that you've had no support from your friends.

Cathy, you have 2 other children that need you and give you meaning to live as well. Growing up we had some devastating deaths in our family and the one thing that we didn't do was go to grief counselling. Looking back, it probably would have been the best thing especially for my youngest brother who has not been able to get past those deaths.

Have you considered counselling? You still have time to help your children to deal with the loss of their brother and it could help you deal your grief and move forward to make life better, without forgetting your son either.

BIG HUGS Cathy!!!

[Tora]

Hi Cathy, and welcome to All for Women, where I hope you will visit often, for the wonderful companionship, advise and friendship you are going to find here.

Now, secondly, here's a hug!:hug: :comfort: I know how you feel. I am very sad and sorry to say that I DO know how you are feeling, as I too have lost a child.;(

I've gone through what you are going through, and although it doesn't help to hear this right now, you will learn how to live with it. I won't promise you miracles, there just aren't any, but I will say as time goes on, you learn how to cope. :(

I understand what you say about your "friends" it happened to me too, so in the end, I just never mentioned to people I'd had a daughter, which made me even sadder, because I felt I was denying her existance!

I cannot tell you how very sorry I am Cathy, my daughter was only 4, and she too was hit by a car. I have 5 wonderful Sons, and I know people say "at least you have your other children" but that doesn't help either does it? Having said that, if it weren't for my 5 Sons' I have no idea where I would be right now!! They were my reason for being, my saviours, and I will be forever grateful for them :comfort:

Councelling is very helpful, if it is available. I didn't get any help for a couple of years after losing our daughter, but I did get help for the boys.

Everyone deals with their loss in a different way. Like you're sons, my oldest never spoke about the accident, nor his sister, not for a very, very long time. Whereas our youngest (himself only 6 at the time) talked and talked and talked.

I am more than happy to talk to you Cathy, whenever you would like!! Please feel free to email me, and I can be a sounding board if you like. :-) I know how necessary it is to be able to let it all out!! Some stuff that other people cannot deal with hearing, but I know, so please, if you want to talk, I am here. :hug:

Please tell us a little about Mitchell. I would love to hear all about him.

I hope you visit here often Cathy, and feel you can talk about absolutely anything. The ladies here are all absolutely fantastic, and have been a huge sense of comfort to me myself over my loss. If I can help in any way, I will. :)


Take care, and looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Anne (Tora)

[Pam]

Oh Cathy, I have hot tears rolling down my cheeks, I'm so sorry and my heart goes out to you ....words never seem to say enough, but please know I care.

Please tell us about Mitchell, I'd also love to hear all about him :) Please feel free to get everything off your chest, we'll be here for you with welcome arms.

Hugs & Love,
Pam

[Pam]

I just wanted to share this with you, it is such a lovely poem.

You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be filled of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he's gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry, close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what he'd want:

Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.



Love Pam

[MissieK]

Hi Cathy,

Welcome to AFW.

Huge hugs. I don't know what it is to lose a child. When I was growing up, I nearly lost both my brothers to car accidents on the same day (thankfully they are both OK). Maybe your friends are scared they'll say something wrong, so instead they avoid the subject all together?

:hug:

You are very welcome here. I hope you'll open up with us :)

Melissa

[Alexa]

Hi Cathy...

Welcome to AFW...I hope that you can find some support from some us in a small way.

I am so sorry to hear about Mitchell, but like everyone has said before me, we would love for you share some of his life with us.

I don't have any children of my own, I have recently had my second miscarriage and my marriage has failed, but I do know what loss is like as I lost my mother in a car accident when I was 16 and while I have some understanding what the pain, anger, saddness and frustration you must be feeling about losing something you love so much such as a precious child, my heart goes out to you.

Please let me tell you first hand how fab AFW has been. Please let us know if we can do anything as such, words really are so easy to write. But please know we are thinking of you.

Hugs

[Kerry]

Hi Cathy I'm Kerry I ditto the :hug: :hug: & :x :x . No matter what myself and my family have been through I couldn't begin to really understand or relate to what you and your family are going though. I'd like to try though.

I am one of those who stay away. I have a regretable difficulty in knowing how to approach people in pain, one reason being I tend to take on that persons feeling and also feel pain. I would really like for you to help me know how I can help people like yourself as I am sure that would help me better deal with feelings that I take on and I would very much like not to be the type of person that stays away.

If it helps to talk about Mitchell. I also, would like to know all about him.

This is a great site full of caring and understanding women. I am sure it is no coincendence you landed apon it. Welcome Cathy:comfort: :hug:

[rosie1962]

Wow,

Where do I begin.....A big thank you to Colby, Tora, Pam, Melissa, Alexa and Kerry. I actually had tears reading each of your replies but instead of sad tears for a change they were happy tears. I must admit I haven't had those for I don't know how long. I was so touched that people read what I had to say and thought enough to reply.

I would love to share Mitchell's life with you all as the only person I really talk about him to is my husband who is Mitchell's stepfather but was in Mitchell's life 12 of the 13 years of his life so he really was a father to him as well.

As for the counselling I have been to counselling but find sometimes I want to talk about it and other days I don't but leave the sessions feeling it hasn't changed anything. He isn't going to come back. I know it isn't a good attitude.

My youngest, Luke, I've also taken to counselling but he would rather talk to me about his feelings, which is hard for me, but I don't suppress anything he has to say. At the moment he is telling me he wants to 'cut his heart' becaue he wants to be in heaven with is brother. How hard is that to hear.

I've searched for answers, done a lot of reading, been to support groups, tried alternative medicine, reiki, medium readings, you name it I've tried it. I'm hoping that perhaps writing about him may help me.

Next Saturday will be very hard for me especially as we are placing his ashes at the cemetry. You see I've had him home with me for the past 12 months and his father wants him placed. I'm not ready to do this as I feel I'm letting go of my last connection with him (if that makes sense). I believe he is where he should be, at home in his room. Not sure how I will be as it will like another funeral to me.

The only plus side is he is up at the cemetry with my mother. My mother passed away 6 years ago (I was 7 months pregnant with Luke). I thought the pain of losing my mother was immense but this pain of losing my son is uncomparable. That's where the feeling lonely comes into it. I don't have a mother to talk to or comfort me.

I don't mean to depress people with what I type, but hope perhaps people may get an understanding of life and just how precious it is. Don't take your loved ones for granted as you just never know. The one thing I thought I would never face in this world is the loss of one of my children. I would not wish it on anybody.

Thank you again for your support and look forward to a long and special friendship with you all.

Cathy

[Alexa]

Dear Cathy,

You sound like one very strong and amazing women to me.

Yes, I too have had counselling and sometimes it works and other times you can leave feeling even more empty than when you started.

Gosh you have been through so much, with losing your mum as well.

Luke sounds like a very sensitive and bright child and I think it is so good that he can share his feelings with you, though it is so hard for you to hear, I guess you need to encourage him to try and move on with his own life, somehow and slowly. You just being there is a great support to him.

What of your older son?

I have no idea what to say as far as next Saturday goes, except it may help with some of the grieving, it will also mean that Mitchell's father will have a place for him to visit, and can sit and talk to his son, it is so lovely that he will be near your mum, she will protect him and be with him for eternity.

I really want you to know that we are hear for you (I think I said that last time) but you are experiencing so much...we maybe can be your sounding board.

Hugs

[Tora]

Hi Cathy, How are you coping today? :hug: The pain of losing a child is incomparable to anything else, it just isn't meant to happen!! :comfort:

As I had my daughter buried, I cannot relate entirely with the ashes, but I think I can understand. When we first lost her, I used to go to the cemetary almost daily, and every family occasion I had us visit the cemetary first! Mothers Day, Easter, Birthdays, Fathers Day, Christmas! It was necessary for me, although I didn't realise I was causing the rest of the family a lot of stress, as they couldn't cope with it. After a couple of years, we moved from where Vicky was buried, and it tore my heart out! I felt like I was abandoning her!

To be honest, it was the best thing we did, as I let go of my obsession (of which I was unaware I had!) with visiting the cemetary. I no longer made the rest of the family visit, but if I wanted to go, would go just with my husband. Now, my Son's are old enough to make their own minds up, they visit more often than I would have imagined they would do.

I guess what I am trying to say is, although it feels so major, and that you are letting a part of your Son go, it may be another necessary step in the grieving process. Your Son remains with you at all times, in your heart! No one can take him from you, you will NEVER be parted from him, because as long as you are here, he is too. :comfort: I only realised that myself, that I wasn't actually visiting my daughter, but I was visiting a "Memorial" to her, and that I could have anywhere. :) Be comforted in knowing your Son is safe with your Mother. I always tell myself that my daughter is with my Dad and Grandparents. We will meet up again one day, I know it!!

I too visited every form of medium imaginable, looking for a way out of the pain, and wanting somehow to wake from the nightmare.

Writing DOES help! I used to write letters to a friend fo mine, who would throw them away unread, as she said they were too painful to read, but it didn't matter what I wrote, it needed an outlet, and for me, it really did help.

Please don't feel you cannot say whatever you want, for fear of "upsetting" anyone or making others depressed. Everyone here is going to feel for you, and try to take on board some of your pain to help you. You need to let it all out, to cry, to remember, to laugh, and to heal.

Your youngest sounds so very much like my Thomas. He too would chatter away 90 to the dozen about his sister, and I found it so hard some days just not telling him to shut up! :(

One of the things I found hardest to bear, was not being able to talk to my "friends" as they just couldn't handle the "deeper" stuff. They would listen once, then the next time, you could see they were afraid I would get all "heavy" on them again, and avoid me. :( I know it was not me exactly, but their sense of not being able to fully understand, or know what to say, but it did hurt.

My suggestion for Saturday: Replace your Son's ashes, in his room, with his photograph before the day. He can then still look over his room, and you will have the comfort of seeing him in his place when you look in on him. It will not be him you take to the cemetary, he is now forever in your heart. You will also be creating another place of memories and rememberance at the cemetary, a place for family and friends to go for some quiet reflective time with Mitchell. Not because that is where he is, but because that is a place people will feel comfortable about going to grieve, and to remember.:comfort:

Mitchell is still a huge part of your family, and still with you all. I wish I could be of some comfort to you, wish I knew how to take the pain away, wish I could make it all go away!!

I hope and pray that Saturday will not be too much for you to cope with, and you will come through it a little bit stronger. The lead-up is ALWAYS worse! May the day bring some kind of comfort to you all. :comfort: :hug:


Anne (Tora)

[Pam]

Big warm hugs for Saturday, Cathy. Be kind to yourself. :comfort:

[Barbara]

Oh Cathy, my heart too goes out to you. I am typing this through tear welled eyes. I could not even imagine the pain you have felt and still feel. I have two boys and wouldn't know what to do.

Please know that yes, we are all here for you and are willing to talk and help you though this. Counselling does sound like the best solution at this stage for your boys.

I really hope that the strength you have already shown helps your boys gain strength in themselves to open up and talk through their pain & loss.

Huge hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: to you and your boys.

Take care of yourself & I wish you all the very best for Saturday :comfort:

[Patricia]

Cathy I too have been very moved by your posts and I thank God that I cannot fully understand the pain you are going through. Of course I have lost loved ones in my life and a miscarriage that still weighs heavy on my heart even to this day almost 17 years later.(Funnily enough I have always thought of this little baby I lost as "Rosie"..your pen name). When we have children we have an assumption that we will go before them, unfortunately as in your case this does not always happen.

Your strength is unbelievable and I know this will help the rest of your family as they try to cope with this tragedy. I hope that Saturday you are blessed with the extra strength you need to make it through the day.

I would like to share with you a poem that a friend sent me when my beloved Grandmother died...I hope that you can draw some comfort from it as I do each time I read it.

Do not stand at my grave.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain,
I am the shining stars at night,
When you awake to the morning light......

My time has come, I am at rest,
I am the sunset in the west,
I am the clouds that race above,
Where I watch over those I love.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I do not die,
So hear these words that here I say.
I am the love that guides your way.

Sleep peacefully Mitchell.

[sjc]

Hello Cathy
I am so sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your beautiful Mitchell. Please feel free to talk to us at any time, and share your feelings with us. We all care and share in your grief.

Hugs Sheryl

[rosie1962]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks again for all your heartfelt wishes it really means alot to me. Well another day I've nearly made it through, I find the nights the worst. Quiteness fills the house and your mind wanders and has plenty of time to think.

I stopped down at the accident scene this afternoon. I find I'm drawn there as for some strange reason it gives me comfort. I guess I don't have bad memories there as I didn't get to be there when the accident happened. I go there because it was the last place that Mitchell was alive.

Mind you I fought for some serious changes to made there, to make it safer for the other children walking home from school. It took a lot of emotional strength to do it but I had to. I had numerous onsite meetings with local council, rta, nsw roads minister and I even had a well know sydney talk back radio host, Alan Jones, batting for me. The changes have finally been completed and the council were gracious enough to make a plaque in memory of Mitchell placed at the site.

I have thought numerous times about moving but know I can't do it, I have too many memories here, good and bad and feel if I move it would be for the wrong reasons. Though I'm very irrational with my thinking, I can say yes we are moving in one breath and in the next I say no way.

I feel I have failed as a mother (I can hear you all saying you haven't from here) but as a mother one of your jobs is to protect your children and I didn't do that. I know that is very irrational thinking but you can't help it. I've gone over all the 'what ifs' so many times. What if the driver had gotten a red light or stopped for petrol, what if Mitchell talked with his friends longer. I know this will send me crazy because there are no answers.

The funeral was made special as Mitchell, his brother and father are avid St George/Illawarra supporters who are season ticket holders and go to every match. Nathan Brown (Saints coach) and 3 of Mitchell's favourtie players attended the funeral silently paying their respects. It meant so much to the family and with so many school children their, it helped them also. Mitchells dad also received a signed framed Saints jersey and I received a framed Saints jersey but signed by his class mates and teachers. It means so much to me.

5 more sleeps until I have to let go of my son. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this.

Thank you all again for your replies, you don't realise how important and helpful this is for me.

Until next time,

Cathy

[PixieMb]

dear cathy.. my heart felt hugs to you ... I tried but never successfully achieved a child .. but do know how painful that was, so your pain well

glad you have found the wonderful people here
:hug:

[Wendy]

Dear Cathy, My heart goes out to you for your loss. No I can't know what it feels like to lose a child but I guess it's one our biggest fears as a mother. I'm glad to hear you have made some positive changes for other childrens safety.

[shelli]

Dear Cathy,

First of all - I am so sorry for your tragic loss, I cant imagine how hard it can be!! You are a strong women, though, I can tell and I can feel that you are getting through this slowly.

I know that you can never forget those that you love and have lost - my mum passed away 12 years ago. I must tell you, though. Things DO get better!! People DO understand better what you are going through, as time goes on and their head gets around their own loss.

One thing I must ask you is this - you said that your friends have abandoned you......have you ever invited them to have lunch with you? Not, necessarily at your house, but at a cafe or somewhere? Im just asking because that is all you said about the subject.

I am happy to see that you have reached out and not just kept silent!! AFW is a great place with many great ppl in it.

Shelli

[Tora]

Hi Cathy, how are you feeling today? :hug:

I am going to be thinking of you on Saturday, and sending you heaps of support, love and positive thoughts to help you cope with the day. :comfort:

All the very best, take care,

Anne (Tora)