brother in law from hell

[ode]

My hasband is the eldest in his family, he lost his father when his youngest brother was 8, my hasband 25.
From then, my hasband became a dad of that boy. My hasnband has now 4 kids, 12, 9, almost 2and almost 1.
My problem is that the youngest brother now 38 doesn t want to let my hasband go and look after his kids, he is stuck to him and wants him just for himself, I told my brother in law that the children need their father but deaf he was, I wrote him a long lettre but nothing changed. I spoke to my hasband many times but he can t do any thing about his brother. May be I am not clear but with that example you will anderstand me.
We were about to take the kids to a park when the brother called that he was coming, my hasband couldn t even tell him to come later because we were going to the park, he cancelled everything.
Don t know what to do.

[redrobyn]

That is very sad for you I don,t how to solve it maybe you could try and talk to your husband about it, children that age need their father.

[Rachel]

Gee Ode, that is a tough one.. My BIL is great so I can only sympathise.. I would be very frustrated in the same situation :hug:

[Naomi]

I think it needs to come from your husband. Your BIL has not responded to your attempts so I think you need to ask your husband to speak to him about appropriate boundaries. Good luck, it is an awkward situation.

[Cherie]

Gosh..Looks like another case of ..Get an ID phone..:hehe:
For $3.00 extra a month, you can see who is calling. When it's the BIL, just don't answer it.LMAO
You can do it....:y:

[lisa2]

I would be more sympatehetic if the BIL was still a young guy, but at 38, he shouldnt need to be depending on your husband so much. I dont know what to make of it..I would hate it:uhno:. I guess you have talked about it with your husband, and is he reluctant to tell his brother how you feel? Its just going to make you resentful towards both of them, if nothing is said. I do understand how frustrated you must feel though, best of luck.:hug:

[mummyof3babes]

:hug::hug:

[ode]

My hasband ex wife called the BIL mother in law than a monster, at the time he was living with them! 55 % of my hasband salary went to his studies He could work to pay for his staff but no.
She took her children ( 4 and 1 yrs old now 12 and 9) for holiday and never came back She called my hasband hers at the time and told him to get rid of him or never saw her again. My hasband told me that she was imature and that was the reason of the divorce but now I am really suspitious!! I won t take my children and never come back I ll stay.

[miss kiki]

i'm sorry all this has happened to you..i agree with what lisa said about him being able to take care of himself and not depend on his older brother..it would be best for your husband to talk to his brother..BUT i wouldn't just push the brother away, because you don't want to have family problems occur. how about compromising to your husband and his brother that they should go out twice a week to play a game of billiards, come over for dinner, or even go out to have a drink together. that way they still will be close, but your husband will still have plenty of time with his family. :) hugs to you and your family ode!

[Rachel]

I was thinking of a compromise too.. maybe 1 night a week which is his night to spend with your family or your husband.. or you could try reverse psychology and make him feel really welcome and invite him to dinner often and to the park with you and the kids etc- he might end up feeling smothered and back off!! Kill him with kindness (so to speak!)

[dragonfly97]

all very good advice but i have no idea what i would good luck

[ode]

Thank for all your advice.
from day one I have been here in Australia, 2 yrs and 7 mths I invited him, cooked for him, sympathised with him, I liked and respected his relationship with my husband, but he thinks it s a duty not kindness. He keeps my husband on the phone for hours everyday when It was just me I didn t care but now with the kids it s not fair.
The BIL knows very well how I feel but doen t care. I agree with all of you that my should spean to him, in awaiting I should be patient.

[lisa2]

Thank for all your advice.
from day one I have been here in Australia, 2 yrs and 7 mths I invited him, cooked for him, sympathised with him, I liked and respected his relationship with my husband, but he thinks it s a duty not kindness. He keeps my husband on the phone for hours everyday when It was just me I didn t care but now with the kids it s not fair.
The BIL knows very well how I feel but doen t care. I agree with all of you that my should spean to him, in awaiting I should be patient.


Hi Ode, What happened with the BIL? Does your husband know that it upsets you? Has he talked to him yet?
Let us know how you get on.:D

[Heather]

Oh Ode....some families have the strongest ties and that can make it very hard when you marry.
You should say something to your husband, never, never keep it bottled up (keep it to yourself). I like Rachel's idea about making one night of the week just for your BIL. Best of luck.....will be thinking of you.

[ode]

Today, I ve parepared couscous for diner, my husband told me to call the BIL and ask him to come and take diner with us, he loves couscous he said.
I said NO, he took the telephone and called him. Now he is eating couscous in the kitchen.

[miss kiki]

hmm..not sure what to say about that ode..maybe some type of family counseling will work!?

[lisa2]

Oh my goodness...:blink: Seems you need to sit down and have a 'deep and meaningful'
'with your DH. The BIL should find his own wife!:brow: Im not suggesting you need to do everything, you need to pursue this situation for yourself. It doesnt seem fair that you are cooking for him..seems more like an obligation than a gesture. Does your husband know how this makes you feel? Ask BIL to babysit and take your DH out for dinner, and get it sorted out. Good luck.
Ps...Is chilli nice in coucous??::D

[sandydee]

sorry I think that is just so wrong of your husband to do what he did to you,what about your thoughts/feelings:comfort::hug:

[Heather]

Rachida....is it perhaps a custom in your culture for the married brother to look after his younger, single brother?
If so, do you think that perhaps your DH (dear Husband) is taking on the role too enthusiastically.
Your DH is obviously not listening to you, nor considering your feelings....can you open up to him, has he ever asked you what you want within the marriage, would he ever be receptive (try hard to understand) your feelings and act on them? :hug:

[ode]

Thanks a lot for your messages.
Yes it s a custom in my culture that the older brother takes care of the entire family specialy when the father is died.
my DH anderstands very well the situation and knows that the BIl doesn t need him as much as his children and myself he even told me that his brother is selfish but the BIl doesn t anderstand that he thinks that I want to separate him from my DH, he even said that I am a variable and he is a constant.
My hasband told me just to be patient it s a question of time and his relationship with his brother is not as it was
My DH is a very good hasband and father he supports me and helps me in everything and just when he feels that something upsets me he does all what he can to make me happy but when it comes to that BIL he takes it slowly.

[miss kiki]

there has to be a reason why he's taking it slowly with his brother..maybe you should sit down and talk to him about it..tell him how you feel and ask him why he's like this when his brother is old enough to care for himself. maybe find his brother a girlfriend?! that way she can keep him busy!

[Heather]

Rachida, your DH certainly doesn't seem as bad as I first thought and it's good that he can see his brother for what he is.
Actually with the variable/constant comment, it seems as if your BIL is jealous of your relationship with DH.
I have had a thought but it is with hesitation that I suggest that you start to play the BIL's game.....have him with you almost 24/7....he can entertain the children while you prepare dinner, he can do repairs around the home, he can share some of the adult responsibilities of running a house....the upside is that he sees that he is not your DH's priority now and he grows and leaves.....the downside is that it feeds his insecurities,lonliness etc and you never get rid of him.
Do you have someone within your community or religion who would take it upon themselves to have a word to either men....or would that be considered inappropriate?

[mumofAdenandJai]

just a tought but maybe your dh is scared to say anything because he is scared that it willl ruin his relationship with his brother and he feels a responsibility towards hims. No that he shouldnt feel one towards you but maybe that is why he isnt doing much about it and maybe you should talk to him and try and understand where he is coming from and then talk to him about how you feel and come up with some sort of solution together. Like some of the ladies said maybe make a regular night where the bil can come over and spend time with you guys. maybe even two nights and then have the rest of the time with just you and hubby and the kids.