how do we stop?

[tdv]

hi, I am in a loving relationship (well most of the time!!!) apart from when we argue. Both my husband and I are very stubbon, hot headed and everytime we have an arguement it ends up with a lot of foul language and raised voices. Both of us realise this is not good and so many times we have tried to stop however, we eventually go back to our old ways. Any tips of how to stop this would be so appreciated because apart from this everything is great but both of us also realise this is a major issue affecting our relationship.
Thanks

[kezabelle]

Hubby and I were the same at the beginning of the relationship. It's how he argued and I found myself trying to not go there... but eventually I would - he'd push all the right buttons. I've done so many relationship courses, etc in my career so I knew all the things we were meant to do, and I'd explain that to him and try to stick to it, but he thought it was rubbish and we'd be back to square one.

I still find discussions often become heated, but I sat down one time and stated a few things that bothered me about how we argued and what we needed to do to fix it (have to pick the right moment and accept you are both to blame). I started with a couple of basic things. He grew up name calling when angry, swearing and putting the other person down. That's usually what pushed my buttons so it was what needed to stop first. So, I made it clear that it was hurtful and non-productive and then if we'd argue and it started, I'd say 'I'm not continuing this if you are going to name call/swear/etc' and refuse to engage. Took a while but it now means that's virtually non-existent.

So, I suppose that's probably the first step. For you both to realise you need to change it. Then to find the one thing that really gets it going and work on that. When you're conscious of it, you're more likely to think twice about it. Then keep working on those bits until you manage to stay on track, and not get so heated.

I know another method that people swear works is to haev the 'talking rock' - you can only talk when you're holding the rock and you have to listen to the person who is holding it. We didn't try that but I know people who have. Talking about feelings rather than accusations is another one - you can't dispute how someone is feeling as it's theirs. So, 'i feel hurt when you say...', etc. That one doesn't work as well for us as hubby simply says 'but I wouldn't feel that way'. Then when I explain 'yes, but I do', he says 'well, those feelings are stupid then' :hehe:.

Try a few courses or books - there's lots around. Even if you do it and you take some ideas home to hubby, it still helps. The main thing to remember is it takes time and effort - and I know for me, the effort was initially largely from me, before hubby finally came onboard. Hope you find soemthing that helps.

[Heather]

The TT (Teenage Trial/Terrific Teen) and I don't do the talking rock...but a conscious effort is made to respect the others space if they are talking.....no interrupting.
It is a bother to you and is counter productive so I would suggest seeing a relationship counsellor....they are not going to apportion blame, they do not try to strip your psyche bare....they just help both parties with strategies.

[Patricia]

Communication is the key here.

If neither of you can have a conversation without it somehow turning into a full blown argument how about writing down how you feel in a note book and leaving it by his side of the bed where he can then leave you a reply and so on.....

This means that the subjects that seem to set you both off can be left for the book thus leaving you free to speak of more carefree matters.

[leelee]

:waves: hi hun sorry but i cant help ya on this one as hubby and i are exactly the same as you,so when you find something that works plz pass it on to me:hehe:

[kimba]

[QUOTE=kezabelle;245298I know another method that people swear works is to haev the 'talking rock' - you can only talk when you're holding the rock and you have to listen to the person who is holding it.[/QUOTE]

LMAOLMAOLMAOSorry sis if we were that hot headed and arguing that bad, hubby or I (whoever had the bloody rock)would throw it at the other personLMAO

[miss kiki]

me and my DF are still like that and we've been together for over a year now..it's tough! i found that i would approach him and talk to him at wrong times or word my words wrong..i even do it on here sometimes and people take it the wrong way! so i have to really be careful how i say certain things and approach him when he's in a good mood or in a way willing to sit down and talk. we both have horrible communication at times and both of us are stubborn as well. he goes in his cave when he's upset and that's when i know not to bother him..cave meaning he doesn't want to be bothered..either he'll go out to the garage, turn the t.v. on, or go on the computer and i know not to bother him when he's trying to relax or think..get his mind straight. most of our arguements are because of the kids and me feeling like i don't have a voice or an opinion on the way they are raised, but that's a whole other story! there's a great book i started reading and never finished called women are from venus, men are from mars, or is it vice versa?! LMAO anyway, it really explains how men think and how us women are and how to be sympathetic when we need it or how to leave men alone when they need it..it definitely worked in my relationship, because i knew what to say or how to talk to him about certain things..except i think it would have done more justice if i find it and finish it already! :hehe:

[kezabelle]

As soon as you mentioned the cave I knew you'd been reading that Kiki! :D I read it years ago, and although I find that most self-help books give the same advice using different terminology..., I happened to read that one at a time in our relationship when it really had impact - even hubby read a few paragraphs here and there that I showed him.


Oh, and as for the rosk sister dearest, I know what you mean :D

[Stormy]

LMAOLMAOLMAOSorry sis if we were that hot headed and arguing that bad, hubby or I (whoever had the bloody rock)would throw it at the other personLMAO

Indeed....you would have thought it'd be the talking sponge or the talking balloon or something :hehe:

[Heather Louise]

Hi.....we all hate arguements, what causes them, why do we do it.
its really a grown ups tantrum...controlled by emotions. The cause is usualy something we don't like can't handle ..or feel slighted,resentful, humiliated etc about.

How we discuss it, is what decides if it is an arguement or not. The problem is usualy that we get straight into it while we are still emotional about the problem, how often have we said to ourselves 'I should have waited untill I felt, different or better or not so cranky' so we say things we don't mean, the whole thing gets way out of context and every bad thing you ever felt comes to the surface in no time at all.
Ever wonder why..most of our parents don't just get straight into it. Years of practise , thinking about the situation first, not wanting to get to the 'stand off' stage, so we cool down, know it needs to be talked about [later] know that we actualy love each other and eventualy try to find a happy medium with out too much compromise on either partner.

The hard part is when one or the other just can't except the event, situation etc that is the original cause of the problem and for both parties to find an acceptable solution/ compromise or understanding
of each others thoughts and concerns on the matter at hand, sometimes if its not critical its ok to agree to disagree and allow each other to have a different view point. We are individuals and will have individual idears about things and both must learn to accept that we won't always think the same.

sorry if I sound like a cranky/serious old bag..but its usualy time to stop..weigh up our relationship..and decide what it is that eats us up... that keeps us up on a high emotional level and sooo ready to react to the slightest hint of opposition on any quarter...often its something else other than what we're argueing about that is gnawing away in the background...often its why we keep stearing our arguement onto old
ground....

Hope this helps, and if anyone thinks Ive had too much to say, please tell me so.....Heather Louise

[miss kiki]

definitely not heather. that was pretty good actually! you're so right!
i just hate the fact that the ones we love and care about so much are the ones we ALWAYS hurt and argue with.

[dragonfly97]

me and hubby do it too but then we cool down and say we are sorry sometimes we catch ourselves while we are doing it and we stop and walk away are we try to talk calmly sometimes it works sometimes it does not