Am I Being Too Harsh?

[Manda]

Ok so on boxing day we woke up to find the kids room trashed Dylan was given spiderman puzzles and cards and they were strewn across the floor and their boxes were damaged. Bell had pulled the arms off her ballerina doll despite everyone warning her on Xmas day not to do that. The room was a disaster area there was not one bit of carpet that could been seen.

Now this is not the first time, this happen regularly they have no respect for their toys, they are always breaking them. I have tried talking to them, being stern with them, sending them for time out, taking away TV etc but it doesn't work.

So on boxing day i decided that i would take all their toys off them both new and old! I stopped their room back to just the beds and told them they needed to earn the toys back starting with the old ones.

they have been doing ok......they have earned all the old toys and a few new ones.
Well its come to light this morning that dylan has sometime since yesterday arvo pulled apart and broken one of his trucks.......its stuffed and had to go in the bin. So i decided to put him back to square one he has to earn all his toys back again.

Now mark thinks I'm being to harsh, I dont....i see it as i have tried everything else and its failed so its time to learn the hard way. I'm trying to teach them to respect their toys and their room.
Also dylan had playstation taken off him for the rest of the holidays as he was being aggressive to-wards me, Now as some of you know we went thru a very violent period with dylan, so i don't muck around when it comes to punishing him over that......i gave him 3 warnings of what i was going to do. Then each time he kicked/punched pinched etc i took a week of playstation, within 10 mins he lost 4 weeks worth. Again mark thinks I'm being harsh.
Do you think its being to harsh?

[Mad Old Cow]

Manda as we both know i have seen Dylan in action being aggressive to you & Bell & i thought you were too lenient with him but as i have no tolerance for naughty kids i can be hard i guess, Mark needs to come up with something that works then if he thinks you are being too hard, Manda i was shocked that day Dylan took to you as i had never seen that from a child before . Personally i think i would do what you are doing & not feel an ounce of guilt

[redrobyn]

No you are not being too harsh, you are doing what a lot of mother's wish they had the nerve to do, do what ever work's at least you are doing something, you can't let situation's like that get out of hand specially when you have more than one child to consider.

[Stormy]

No I don't think it's too harsh at all....actually I think that's probably what's wrong with a lot of kids - they don't respect the value of things and think that if they wreck it, it will just get replaced. :yes:

Good on you for not caving into them...if he has been naughty and been warned what the consequences are, then so be it IMO :)

[kimba]

Not harsh at all Manda.It sounds as if Mark may be causing a few of your probs if he is being to lenient.My DH would not tolerate any of my kids laying a hand on me-they are not to smack, bite, punch or whatever.ED did it years ago and she got a smack on her butt and the harshest words from her daddy and she never even tried it again.My kids are monsters at keeping their rooms clean and looking after toys.I think I like your idea and may implement that into their lives:yes:Definantly not harsh at all:)

[jenr]

No Manda I think you are doing very will!
Maybe you could give a lesson to some other parents good on you for sticking with it!
Does Mark do much disciplining(sp) with the kids? You need to have his support if its going to work?

[Heather]

As the children are with you just about 24/7 you are the one who has the main disciplinary rols....tell Mark to butt out.

[Denise]

No Manda not at all. If this works you need to be consistent with it and it won't take long before they realise that you are serious and every time they muck up the toys will be taken away. If Mark sees that what your doing is working surely he'll go along with it and support you. You need a united front from the two of you then they'll known you mean business. Good Luck:)

[Biggirl]

Hi Manda

As a parent it can be so difficult to know what to do for the best soemtimes. We don't get a manual with each child, more is the pity. I believe in positive reinforcement, and includes stuff like earnign the right to play with certain things. Maybe letting your son see how he can care for one small thing, and then working on from there. I also see a lot of parents, who have different ideas on parenting, and it really is a contentious issue. The first thing would be to sit down with your partner and decide on what are the family rules and values and then deciding on age appropriate discipline. It is so easy to give in to keep the peace, however a fair but firm approach is best. Kids need to have boundaries set and to know that their parents care enough to set limits on their behaviour. Another final note 'Catch your kids being good', and reward the behaviour.
Biggirl

[Di Nana]

Manda do what ever it takes you know your own kids better than any one so if it works and you are getting results stick to it :)
can I offer you a wee suggestion though, reading the bit where you said Dylan pulled a truck apart, reminded me of my son when little, he had to pull every thing apart he was
really curious as how things worked, this is not a bad thing, and is actually in a boys make up, so I used to get my family to save any broken things such as clocks, toasters, radios, then gave him a couple of old screw drivers and let him go for it, he never pulled his toys apart again, and was thoroughly engrossed in his activity for hours

[Manda]

Thanks everyone.

I was so confident in how i was dishing out the punishments until he said something, usually i would just say "no its not too harsh" and continue on but i think that exhustion set in this morning and that played a part in me questioning it.

Sometimes i believe he goes OTT but 99% of the time i back him up.

Biggirl- I do the rewarding good behaviour and i let most of the small naughty stuff go.

Di (NZ) - thats a good idea about the old clocks etc, i know he likes to pull things apart and thats natural but he breaks EVERYTHING he can, even bells stuff. He has been doing it for ages and no amount of time outs etc have worked. But i will definately try that!

Thanks again ladies.

[crashtestwoman]

I have done and will continue to take toys away from the kids untill they learn to look after them. I absolutely hate it when the kids have little or no respect for things that we have gone without to buy for them to make there lives happy, so I take em off them.
Big Clap for you Manda. Your doing the right thing.
I can honestly say that I still have toys from when my 20 year old was a kid and young cooper is warned to look after them or else NO TOYS (and they know I mean it).

[miss kiki]

i am definitely in a similar position and no, i don't think you're being harsh at all!
these two kids have more toys than my brother, sister, and i had when we were growing up..it's absolutely disgusting, but then again i'm going back 15 years ago and times have definitely changed! they've been doing great lately with cleaning their rooms..becca is even making her bed decently and she's 8, so i've been proud. they know to put their stuff away. was upset at richie last week for just dumping all his toys on his dresser and not putting them away neatly or where they belong. then i saw one of his toys that had marker all over it, which becca did. i was so upset..i ended up cleaning his room and they both didn't go to DF's parents house to bake cookies. they needed to learn! i can't say we ever took their toys away from them, since they've been decent with the things they play with..but if i see that they don't take care of there stuff then maybe i'll try that too. with all they have, they probably just assume they'll get more, even though they rarely get toys and most of them come from their b'days and xmas.

[dragonfly97]

no i do not think you are be to harsh i think if that helps them to respect their toys and do what needs to be done then that is fine i may have to give it a try if my three do not start listening and not breaking toys and fighting tearing up the house etc. well good luck

[Naomi]

Is Mark offering any alternatives to your approach, or when he says you are being too harsh does he just mean you shouldn't discipline them at all?

[jeanieinparadise]

I think one of the hardest things as parents is to find the same page to work on!! One of the best things about being a solo parent was not having to contemplate another's views, especially when it came to discipline.

It is very important that you and your husband work out what outcome you would like and how you are BOTH going to approach it - no discipline is pretty bad when your child is affecting his environment in a negative way, but discipline poorly carried out will lead to children (who are very smart animals) playing parents off each other and escalating a situation.

Personally, I think it is a brilliant strategy to employ - but you have to be firm and hold the line, so that your children don't think it is a flash in the pan and if they wait it out they can go back to being destructive.

[Jaycee]

No, I don't think you're being too harsh. If you're not consistent with your kids and you don't give them consequences for their actions then they'll walk all over you and imagine what that would be like when they're teenagers. Stick with it, try to get Mark to see the bigger picture and good luck.

[miss kiki]

i also agree-it's definitely hard to compromise when it comes to discipline-especially if the kids aren't yours! (my situation) but we both put our input in and sometimes we have to change what we said to the kids, because i think something would work better or vice versa..it happens all the time, but at least we agree! poor kids are probably confused as all hell! but it works. :)

[meggles]

I think you are spot on. I am a bit wimpy and was not game to try taking all my boys toys. But I have a "quiet room" with no toys and when he behaves badly thats where he goes and its so boring. I find that works. I also ban playstation periodically as my son becomes obsessive and rude when you try and get him off. I have seen on supernanny that she took all toys away and put them in box and they get them back as earn't and that seem s to work. good luck. never easy is it

[kgg]

I think it sounds like you are handling it quite well. I am not a parent yet so I don't have the experience to give advice or full opinion, but I don't think you are being harsh, I think you are just trying to teach them respect.

What suggestions does your hubby have that are any better than the tactics you are trying? I think you should stick to the playstation ban though.

[Michelle]

I think you are doing the right thing!!! Sometimes being Harsh is the only way for them to realise whats actually going on and what they are doing is totally wrong and you are serious about it!!

I applaud you on your strict approach and hope you have all the strength to stick with it and hopefully Dyaln in particular will see that you mean business and YOU are the boss!!

Good Luck :D

[Manda]

Thanks Ladies.