Over Protective parenting

[kezabelle]

Hi girls! A long one here...

This issue has come up a lot this past year, and I know I'm in for it again when school resumes :) My DD is 8 (nearly 9) and going in to Year 4. Last year, I took a deep breath and allowed her to walk to a couple of friend's houses unaccompanied by adults after school (a couple of blocks in relatively large groups). We've been on a farm for years and now a main road a good hour's walk from home, so it's never come up until she wanted to go to friend's houses.

One particular time I went to collect her, the older brother was home and had no idea where the girls are - off walking somewhere. Mum was shopping and dad was walking the dog! :blink: Dad came back a moment later and went off to find them. She hasn't been back there yet and I really don't want her to.

A recent argument has been about allowing her to stay at home alone. There is just no way I am going to allow that! I have discovered that hubby has allowed it for a couple of 5 minute trips to the shop - and we have subsequently had some very heated arguments about it. :headh:

A couple of years ago, our day carer had 2 boys in her care in the morning because dad worked and they were being left at home for half an hour before school. They were 6 and 8 and had to go to day care until they turned 10 (DOCS decision). I know a number of her friends are in that situation now and in the afternoons. Some have 3 or 4 kids all at home til mum or dad get back from work, ranging from maybe 10 or 11 down to 5 or 6.

The crazy thing is that I know I was riding my bike everywhere in Year 5 at least and I remember Kimba being at home after school til I got home from high school from year 5 or 6 - and that wasn't unusual then at all. Is it simply a sign of the times? Am I too overprotective? Have you left your kids at home, allowed them to walk/ride to and from school, let them run about through the streets with friends, etc? If so, at what age? Or does it simply depend on the child?

[PreSchool Mama]

I've never left my son alone in the house. He can be terribly mischievous, and we don't want him hurting himself in the kitchen or something. He is allowed to ride his bike outside, though. We live in a really quiet suburb,and there isn't a lot of traffic or anything.

It all depends on your situation I think, and how comfortable you feel about leaving her on her own.

[Supa]

I dont allow my kids to wander the streets, they are 11 & almost 9.

If they go to a friends house I drop them off & pick them up or the other mum does. We live in a very small town & all the kids friends are usually brothers & sisters so both kids go there or I have both of the other kids here. I am friends with all the mums too so I KNOW I can trust them. There is 1 or 2 places I wont let the kids go have explained why & they are cool with it.

I do leave mine at home for 10mins max if ducking out for bread or milk. I also take my mobile & my number is written on the fridge as a just in case. i only started doing this last year & so far *touch wood* it has been fine.

One of the reasons I work from home is to be here before & after school, I dont want the kids coming home to an empty house & we dont have day care in town. I dont agree with kids being left on their own after school until about 14. thats my personal opinion

[Heather]

The TT was easily 9 before I would leave him alone to pop up to the shops (his Dad usually working on the boat)......and he had both mobile numbers written on the whiteboard....I think the maximum amout of time I was away was 1 and 1/2 hours.
He was allowed to walk to and from school from Yr 4 (mainly because the school allowed the kids to ride their bikes from that year), that is when he was 10.
He is still not allowed to walk home from his friends if it is dark and I will not allow his friends to do it either(even if their parents do)...I feel easier if I drive them or pick them up.

I really do feel that we are in danger of creating mollycoddled little divas, but we know of the dangers out there thanks to regular news reports.....I think I would prefer that to the alternative.

[Stormy]

I think it's just a sign of the times Kerrie. :( Things I used to do when I was a kid and was allowed to do....parents wouldn't dream of letting their kids do now because they would be too afraid that something bad would happen. :uhno: Still you could spend your whole life living in your house and not unlocking the door for fear of all the bad things that are out there and then get crushed to death by an engine falling off an airplane passing over your house. Yes it's highly unlikely but it could still happen. :dk:

I think it's also important to keep in mind that the media typically only represents the bad side of society, apart from an occasional puff piece to lighten the mood at the end after all the doom and gloom. For all the little Johnnies that nearly got abducted on the way home from school, there are thousands of kids that do not. Do you see what I mean?

Having said that, I think you're the only person who can adequately make a decision on whether your kids are old enough to be home alone or not. You know them best and you know your neighbourhood so trust yourself and your instincts. :)

[kimba]

Kez the difference with me being left at home was we were very good friends with our neighbours and they looked out for us. I think u know what my reply would be and so I will not write it

[miss kiki]

becca is the same age as your daughter and i honestly don't think i would let her walk over to a friends house. not even around the block, unless i was watching out the window or something. :yes: i think that's too young, but then again that's my opinion and the area you live in is probably so different from where i live too. :yes: when the kiddies have play dates, they get dropped off or picked up, whether by us or the kids' parents. no walking here!
as for being left home alone, me and DF never even talked about it yet. i think we would comply with whatever the law is here. i think it's 11 to stay home alone and 13 to babysit or something?! not sure, that's something i'd have to look into and i'd feel better to do that instead of leaving them two home alone where i feel they are too young and immature.
i really can't say you're too overprotective or not protective enough..that just depends on a lot of factors. everyone has their own opinion, based on where they live, their friends, their child, etc. and when it coems to running around the streets, yes, they do that, but adults are always outside and keeping an eye out on them and on the cars. :yes:

[Naomi]

I probably sit towards the more protective end of the spectrum. I can certainly see huge differences in the way I parent compared to how I was raised (but realise the differences in circumstances would exacerbate that). At the age of mine (3, and eight months) it's not so noticible really but I do worry that I won't be able to 'let go' when I need to.

I think partly it depends on the child. Some 10 year olds would be fine to be left at home (during the day) while you take a quick trip to the corner shop for a loaf of bread, and some just wouldn't! There are just so many variables, it's hard to know how you'd react until you're in that situation and even then there are differences between circumstances, if that makes sense.

I guess on a balance, I'd rather be over-protective and have my child here with me.

[Teeka]

I dont think that you are being overprotective. I would not allow my 8 & 10.5 year old walk to a friends house or vice cersa, But if I am going to pop to the shops for some bread and milk and they want to stay home for 10 mins I have recently just started to allow that. I always lock the house and they know they are not to answer the phone or the door. I find that this is easier than the argument I am going to have when we get to the shops and they want to wait in the car which I think in the scheme of things is more dangerous. When it comes down to it you just have to do whats right by you and follow your gut instincts. Some 10 year old are very mature and responsible but others are not.

[susiq]

I think it really depends on the area you live in and also the child. Saying that, I think 8 and 9 is still a little too young to leave alone for an extended period of time but a duck to the shop around the corner would be OK.

[kimba]

See my other issue is parents leaving say 10-11year olds at home with kids younger and expecting them to be adapt at handling the younger one in a crisis or other! I think it is a huge onus on a child to expect them to be looking out for their siblings welfare as well as there own. And Kez I know u used to do it but doesnt mean me as a parent now, agrees with it:yes: I am definantly in the over protective bunch but I dont necessarily think thats a bad thing. People would meet my eldest and say she was capable of staying home on her own etc but I wont do it and its only recently she has stopped holding my hand to cross the road and she still half the time grabs the pram and holds on:) I really think alot can happen in 10min and most of the time a 10min trip isnt 10min:yes: Thats just my thought anyway. Another thing that always plays in my head-if u left them at home at such a young age and something happened how r u going to feel?Whether it was to duck to the shop or whatever try justify that to yourself your partner,family and the outside world that u thought your 8, 9 ,10 etc year old was old enough to stay at home by themselves

[kezabelle]

I realised after I posted that the neighbourhood is a large part of the issue :) We only have 2 neighbours next to us at all, and neither 'faces' our house and both are usually empty during the day.

Actually, reading everyone's posts also reminded me of someone saying the other day there was something on tv - the parents told their kids (I think they were 8 and 10 or there abouts) not to open the door, etc whilst they ducked down the street. the kids were unknowingly filmed and the film crew sent in a person to knock, etc. The parents sat around the corner, horrified, as their children not only answered the door but allowed a stranger in!

The walking home with her friend's is a common thing around here - and there are many kindergarten kids who ride to school or walk. I would prefer she was walking to my house though with friends of my choosing :hehe: but that's probably my over protectiveness! Half the school walks along the same way with lots of parents, and I think I'm more concerned about being hit by a car than actually being abducted in that situation.

The only friends their allowed to go to alone are the neighbours because they jump the fence! :) One friend lives a few doors down on the other side of the street, but it's a busyt road and I can't see her house from here, so I walk her - and her parents do the same.

I know she'd be fine in the house and would behave responsibly, etc, but she's also hit that vague girly age where she's off with the fairies half the time, so I don't know that she'd notice the house was onf ire and the alarm was going... :)

Given that I still embarrass her by making her hold my hand to cross the road, I don't think I'll be letting her stay home any time soon. And hubby will come to serious harm if he does again :)

I don't know that we have specific ages regarding staying at home and babysitting Kiki, but I know I was stunned when a few friends in the town we used to live in had their children offering to babysit at the age of 11 and 12. Most of the parents I knew of kids that age were trying to work out a deal where their kids could be babaysat without th embarrassment of being babaysat IYKWIM. That just seems so very young.

[Naomi]

Another thing that always plays in my head-if u left them at home at such a young age and something happened how r u going to feel?Whether it was to duck to the shop or whatever try justify that to yourself your partner,family and the outside world that u thought your 8, 9 ,10 etc year old was old enough to stay at home by themselves
For me it's not just how I would justify it to myself or the world but if I left my older (but still young) child in charge of a younger sibling and something went wrong, I don't know how I could live what that would do to the older child in terms of the guilt they would potentially feel. It's something that I've thought about a little bit since reading of a housefire where a couple of young kids died, they were being cared for by an older sibling and all I could thing was, that poor girl will feel guilty for that for the rest of her life, and it's not her fault :(

I know I was stunned when a few friends in the town we used to live in had their children offering to babysit at the age of 11 and 12.
There is no way on earth I would let a child of 11-12 babysit my children, no matter how mature for their age. A 12 year old simply doesn't have the skills to deal with an emergency the way an adult or even an older teenager (maybe!) would.

[Jude67]

My daughter is 11 and 1/2, I only let her walk to her friends place down the road. I have just started letting her walk to our corner shop which is only about 200 metres around the corner, even then I prefer her to walk with a friend. I think in this day and age you can't be too careful. When I was young you were able to walk around the street to a friends' house and be safe, unfortunately times have changed, (gee I sound like my Mum!).
:argh:

[kezabelle]

That's it Naomi. Given all the ads, etc tell you kids aren't capable of crossing the road alone until at least 10, how can you allow an 11 or 12 year old to look after your kids? And I remember that fire story too - the poor kid!

[miss kiki]

i still feel 8 or 9 is too young to be left home alone while running to the local shop for an item or two..but them again that's my opinion. i guess it just depends? i totally agree with kimba. :yes:

keza-kindergardeners being able to walk home by themselves?! THAT'S CRAZY! i'm assuming they're the same age as they are here-6 years old?! yeah right! kids in the elementary school here are NOT allowed to leave the school unless a parent picks them up or if a neighbors parents or another student's parents picks them up. if the person isn't their parent, there's a notice that that person needs to be on. i'm on richie and becca's notice form, because i'm not a parent and i can pick them up from school because i am on that piece of paper. my sister or a neighbor wouldn't be able to because they aren't. strict, yes, but only for the good of our community. the only grade that can walk and leave school by themselves from what i know is 5th graders which is 10-11 year olds. :yes: i think that's fine and yet DF still thinks that would be too young to walk home..only because we live all the way on the other side of town from their school, so they wouldn't be walking. it'd take them over a half hour. becca and richie are still also holding hands and don't feel embarrassed at all. not even to kiss us in front of their friends before leaving us to go into school. i guess it just depends on each kid though, but i see alot of kids here that are close to their parents and really don't seem to be bothered by it..i'm sure you do have some type of age requirement that maybe you should look into.

i'd be more comfortable leaving them both home when they are around 10-11 years old. no doubt about it! i also think 11 or 12 is too young to babysit and if i can find the requirements on the age here i'd let you all know what they are, because i think my friend said it was like 13 to babysit and yet i still think that's too young. i rather have someone in high school watching that maybe knows cpr and the heimlich (sp). you can never be too careful! especially when you pay someone else to watch your own..that's a bit scary! god forbid then something happens..i don't think i'd even get a babysitter for these two. i'd rather have them wait until they were 11 or 12 to stay home by themselves than be watched by someone that i might not even trust 100%.

[kezabelle]

Kiki - we have the same rules for the kindergarten kids (around 5 yo), but there are a number who walk home or ride home with brothers or sisters in older years. I know of a couple who walk home with their brother/sister who is in my DD's year (so 8/9 yo) and are then home for a couple of hours in the afternoon before a parent arrives.

[miss kiki]

wow, that's still young to me..maybe because i'm so used to the way our school works here. :yes: the only kids that are allowed to leave on their own are the 5th graders-10 or 11 year olds and they also can take their younger siblings home, but that's the youngest. :yes: i don't see much kids walking home anyway the few times that i've picked them up with DF or his dad. it's like all these mom's around here don't work or something!

[kezabelle]

It would be a different environment. We're in a coastal area, but it's very residential and country townish. Flat, wide roads and single story houses. Lots of people walking everywhere. :)

[Stormy]

There is no way on earth I would let a child of 11-12 babysit my children, no matter how mature for their age. A 12 year old simply doesn't have the skills to deal with an emergency the way an adult or even an older teenager (maybe!) would.

TBH I think even some adults lack that capacity....I know it didn't involve a child but look at the situation with Heath Ledger. His masseuse found him unconscious and who did she call? His girlfriend. I think she just panicked but it just goes to show even adults make poor decisions when faced with a life and death emergency. :(

I can't imagine giving that same kind of responsibility to a 10 yo, no matter how mature they are. :uhno:

[miss kiki]

yeah, it's definitely different where i live keza! :yes: that's probably why. :)

i tried looking for the age requirements and couldn't find any, even though i could have swore my friend told me there was..all it pretty much said is that if anything happens to your child then you're obviously at fault for it. it also says that 10-12 year olds can babysit and take babysitting courses to be like a real babysitter that knows cpr and the whole bit. but still..10 is kind of young. it said also a 14 year old can stay at home and watch their younger siblings, so can a 10 year old but they prefer a 14 year old watching a one year old, not a 10 year old watching a one year old. whatever..i don't like either option so that's ok! if DF and i have kids, i probably wouldn't let becca or richie watch the baby, even at 14. you just never know these days. and that's not because i don't trust them. that's just because anything can happen. :yes:

[kimba]

U know why are we even contemplating that a 10,12 14 year old even can look after another child.I thought they were still a child themselves by law. Sorry I still would not let a kid any less than 16 years watch my kids and even then I would have to be desperate. I personally would prefer an adult:yes: