Confusion.

[miss kiki]

everytime becca gets really confused, she gets so upset to the point where she'll cry and get very emotional. :yes: this happened a couple times when we went to the store to use up her gift vouchers and she didn't know what toy to choose. it also happened again tonight at dinner. i told her that if she doesn't finish all her dinner she won't get a snack. richie automatically got up and said he wasn't going to finish. they both didn't really like the fettucini alfredo we had, because it also had bits and pieces of veggies in it and god forbid there's veggies in their food..they're so picky! anyway, i guess she felt that if she didn't eat it she would hurt my feelings and therefore got really confused and upset over the whole thing. :dk:

she called me into the kitchen and just burst out crying. i felt so bad! i told her to forget it, don't eat anymore, we'll go all out tomorrow night with having a snack and that i might even make crepes. :yes: i wiped her tears away and she's fine now. i just don't know what to do when she gets so confused like that, other than me being careful what to say and me trying not to put her into that position where she feels like she has to choose.

i think she feels that way and does get upset since she was given a choice this past summer of seeing her mother or not and she chose not to and now feels like it's her fault that her mom doesn't talk to her. it's all screwed up and she feels so guilty and i feel bad that she gets so confused and so upset over it. any ideas of me doing something to help her get through this or what not to do will help. :) thanks!

[Heather]

As much as you want to make it easier for her when she is faced with decisions, I think you are doing her more harm....she will never learn strategies to help her throughout her own life.

Gently teach her how to weigh up each side ....that most decisions can be remedied (it's usually not the end of the world if you get it wrong)....look for ways to improve her confidence....praise and more praise when she reaches a good decision.

[romana]

Poor girl, the whole situation with their mother must be so hard on her. I would encourage her to talk to you about her feelings, just let her know you're there for her. I would also reserve a day or time for her and you to do "girl" stuff, she may open up more about what's bothering her. You are providing a safe and stable environment for them and that is so important. But it's also great that you're setting down some rules, kids definitely need structure. You're doing a great job Kiki!:yes:

[Alexa]

I think it is hormones and her just growing up.

[miss kiki]

heather-so you mean i'm doing her more harm when i try to make the decision for her?! i guess that does make sense. otherwise she wkon't ever learn..i didn't think of it like that. thanks!

thanks romana. we do spend tons of time together-whether it's me having to do the things i need to do like prepare dinner or whatever it may be. :yes: i already know how she feels, but it just so happens that she struggles when there's more than one choice layed out in front of her. that's when she just gets so emotional and doesn't know what to do.

alexa-that can be it too. but then again i'm always confused! i'm a libra and i have the worst time deciding on things. i can't tell you how many times i'll ask DF which shirt i should wear when we go out and then he'll choose one and then i'll end up wearing the other, lol. i'm horrible like that! :hehe:

thanks ladies! :)

[Mad Old Cow]

Kiki, i really have no idea how to advise you as all kids are different but i have noticed such a change in you over the past few months you really are becomming closer to the kids & i can see you are feeling more like their friend now it's great, congratulations as it is not easy being a stepmum especially at your age.
all i can think is that even though Bec seems to really treasure your being there she probably is missing her mum & maybe not wanting to say,kids are funny because it does'nt matter how much their parents hurt them they can't help but love them & it is'nt untill they are much older that they can really see what has gone on, i think when she gets confused & cries give her a comforting hug, tell her you love her & that you are always there if she want's to talk to you about anything at all & that you will understand & try to help her sort out her problems. this is what i am doing with my grandaughter Sammy at the moment, she can't talk to her mother about lots of things & so i am trying to give her lots of support. you know she may even be feeling a little guilty that she is starting to love you so much because in her mind she may feel that she is betraying her mum. Kiki this is just my opinion & thoughts . good luck

[miss kiki]

thanks MOC. it's nice to support them and also feel support in everything i'm doing with them from you ladies. :) maybe that's it-her feeling like she's betraying her mother. i didn't think of that either. :yes: i'll definitely let her know that i'm there for her and maybe help her through her confusions, but not give her the answer. she needs to decide on her own and i'll be there to help her through that. :yes:

[kezabelle]

Kiki, that sounds a lot like my DD at the moment, so I'd say you can probably put it down to age :) I usually try to get her to calm down by being calm myself and just saying "okay, just calm down and we'll talk' or something along those lines. Once she's calmed down. I talk to her about the choice - and whether or not it's really important. For example, yesterday we were waiting for a different school bus to normal, and she started to panic because she was convinced we had missed it. She's was becoming quite agitated and I could see she was building up to tears. So, I said to her - ok, what's the worse thing that can happen here? You miss the bus and I drive you to school instead, then we ask the bus driver what time this one comes tomorrow and ask him to look out for us. Once she'd digested this, she was fine (and the bus came :)). So, maybe try to help her to still make the decisions, but to realise it's not the end of the world. There are some situations which are really important in life, but most of them don't really matter. Once she can see that, she'll start to calm down and be able to cope with the decisions.

[mel35]

Kiki all the ladies above have offered great insight, guiding her through difficult decisions without making the decision for her would be a great help to her as she gets older. One thing about the situation with bec's mother is she may feel like she is betraying you &/ or her dad if she were to get in contact with her.

[miss kiki]

thanks keza. :)
mel, i feel like she wouldn't feel that way so much, because we keep telling her it's her choice and she should do whatever makes her happy. :yes: so i really hope she won't feel that.

[Patricia]

Kiki maybe you and her Dad could sit down and help her write a letter to her Mum ..that way she would feel that she has the approval of both of you ..in fact it might be nice for both Richie and Becca?

[miss kiki]

i don't think DF is ready for that. i think he's scared that that might open doors that we both don't want opened..it's funny that you actually mentioned that, because the therapist wants to ask the kids if they want to write a letter to their mom-maybe for them to say sorry because they're both going through alot of guilt with her not contacting them. :yes: i think they wouldn't want to contact her-only because they are too mad and upset with her for not wanting them/including them in her new family. also, the past few days they have been referring me to mom and referring to her by her first name, so i don't know what's going on really. i feel like it would benefit for them to write to her, only because maybe they won't feel so guilty and might have some type of closure, but i'm going to wait and see what they say to the therapist first before me and DF step in. :yes:

[kezabelle]

You might be surprised and discover that they really do want to write to her. Kids pick up on our emotions, no matter how careful we are to conceal them. They would know there's angst there - particularly with their dad. I would give them the option to write to her and encourage them even. I remember being a kid with split parents, and it was really hard - always worrying about upsetting one if we wanted to be with or speak to the other. It doesn't have to be anything said, it's just the guilt and confusion kids go through, and when they're still learning about their own emotions, they're easily confused about everyone else's.

[miss kiki]

see, it's weird, because i feel like i was the only kid growing up with split parents that wasn't confused. i always knew i can call my dad at any hour of the day and he'd always be around for me. :yes: and he was! there were tough times, but not as tough as i see most kids and their parents go through nowadays, unless my family was just different with us kids. :dk:
maybe i'll see what they say to the therapist and take it a step further and ask them myself. :yes:

[Rachel]

Even them writing a letter to her that they don't have to send may be a good way of getting out all of their feelings toward their mother . I know that has helped me in the past.

[miss kiki]

DF rather have that rach. :yes: BUT the therapist rather ask them herself and then see what they say..it's so confusing even for me, lol. all i want is the best for them. i'm just sick of seeing them cry when they get off the phone with her or be upset or her trying to punish them when she lives hours and states away. i don't want to seem selfish with what i've written, but things have been going so well that i think they'd just break more, even though maybe they will be finally able to let go? i don't know..i will definitely keep you posted on what their decisions are. they go once a week and alternate weeks, so in two weeks time we'll find out what they both chose to do and then maybe i'll contact the therapist and ask her if maybe i should say something to them at home. :yes:

[Manda]

Kiki- My family life as a child was a "split family" in MANY ways, So i have some experience here.
If i was you, I would take some time with richie then take some time with becca (whatever order suits you all) You and the child that has your time, do something you both like.....so for becca it might be clothes shopping (window shop if you guys cant afford to actually buy anything)......whatever she likes, maybe do a "make over" ..where you both do facials make up etc. anything that gets the connection going, you have the atvantage of being younger so you can connect more easily.

In this "special one on one" time take the opportunity to chat with them, if the convo allows you might like to say things like " I know im not your mum, nothing and nobody can ever replace her, I'm not trying to be your mum. but I love your dad, and i really love you, i really dig you (or whatever cool lingo thats translates to in their world, without trying to sound like a "try hard" lol)....dont try and blurt it all out in one go, go softly and gently try and get to their level of convo and cool termonolgy without sound like an adult trying too hard.

IT may take a few "special times" to get it said.

Maybe after a few special times you can bring uo the letter writing (if you and DF can agree to it)let them know gently if they would like help in anyway.

I can add more but i wont while Olivia is with me, Ill come back when my hands are free

[miss kiki]

thanks manda. :) i constantly say that and i think that's why they feel more of a connection with me than their mom. she always pushed them on the side type of thing, instead of really just sat with them, hugged them, etc. so finally they're getting that attention and affection from someone and i know it means so much to them. :yes: like i said, i'll see what happens with the therapist and then we'll take it from there. just living one day at a time, even though it's something i normally didn't do before i met these three. but you never know what's going to happen and we're still going through a rough time with the kiddies, so we have no other choice but to just enjoy the day and do what's right. everything will work out in the end, i know it will. so all of this will be worth it..i HOPE! :D

[mel76]

kiki my son started this 2 yers ago when he turned 10, everything was so emotional, i really think it's just the age, it's the hormones kicking in. Stand tall, Stay Focused & don't take it to heart with what she says or where there's episodes happen, trust me your in for worse things to come.
Good Luck. Remeber Kids need to know your there for them & you are so everything will be fine!

[miss kiki]

well, the therapist asked richie about contacting his mother and all..richie's response was, "who?! her name is not mommy, her name starts with an M and it's M..nene is my mommy." so of course the therapist didn't push him any further on him writing a letter or for her to contact her. it's becca's turn tomorrow..we'll see what she says..
the therapist also said that if we bring her to court so DF can get full custody, the therapist will be on our side, since she see's how the kids have improved without her mother being around, except of course the guilt that she put them through. :yes:

[Mad Old Cow]

Kiki you have come so far with those 2 kids they really love you & trust you i am really happy for you & the kids

[miss kiki]

thanks MOC-i'm kind of nervous to find out what becca wants..i mean, i REALLY wouldn't look at her differently if she wanted to contact her mom..it's her mom for christ's sake, so how can i be upset if that's what she wants, you know?! BUT there is a little part of me that hopes she doesn't want to contact her, because then it'll just be easier for her to get over all this crap that she's been feeling. :yes: so i can go either way..we'll see!

[Manda]

-i'm kind of nervous to find out what becca wants..i mean, i REALLY wouldn't look at her differently if she wanted to contact her mom..it's her mom for christ's sake, so how can i be upset if that's what she wants, you know?! BUT there is a little part of me that hopes she doesn't want to contact her, because then it'll just be easier for her to get over all this crap that she's been feeling.


Kiki- that is such a selfless thing to say/feel, I really commend you on that. Please dont think of my next statement in patronising way, but.....For you to have that level of understanding, comapssion and sympathy at you age is truley amazing. You are such a caring person. You are fantastic!

ETA i know im not really all that much older than you, but alot of growing up happens in those few years...especially to us women that have children in our lives

[miss kiki]

thanks manda. :) i was always more mature then my friends growing up and when i met DF, i had to just grow up a bit faster. that doesn't mean i'm not fun or whatever..i'm serious when it comes to stuff, yet i can just be me, IYKWIM. :yes: i feel like i've grown alot in the past year and i feel like this is the place i want to be and the place i belong. :) that's even more important than anything else. :)

[miss kiki]

well, tomorrow's the day where we'll see what becca wants to do with contacting her mom. :yes: AHH! last week her therapist appointment ended up being cancelled, because DF's grandfather had to have surgery and it screwed up their appointment.

[miss kiki]

so, the therapist asked becca to draw a picture of her mom and her sister what's her name again? and becca said her sister's name and then the therapist said oh yeah, that's right and we'll send it to them..then becca TOTALLY ignored the therapists' request and just kept on doodling..not sure what that means really. talked to DF's mom about it and it seems that that's it..they obviously don't want any contact, so there won't be..
looks like after a year of no contact (meaning the mother not calling or sending letters/etc. to the kids) DF will call his lawyer and look into getting full custody. he thinks that the longer it is that she hasn't contacted them, the better it will be for him when he tries to get full custody, because it'll seem like we waited and gave her that long of a chance to contact the kids and she chose not to. we'll just have to wait and see i guess.