When do the apron strings get cut?

[Binx]

I was reading H's post about her 18/19(?) yo son & some of what was written in the responses reminds me of the relationship between Princess' & his mum.

I understand that H's thread was about the rudeness more so than the aspect that apparently all Mum's want their son's to be Mummy's boys [and H's son is (I think ) 18/19 yo] BUT when is appropriate to cut the apron strings?

Princess has just turned 27 this month and has a very choppy relationship with his Mum. This is exacerbated by the fact that his Mum is not below manipulating to get the results that she wants; but mostly she's very controlling and has written previously in no uncertain terms that Princess can not make the right decision and given this aspect of his personality she will make the decisions for him!!!

Basically its seemed to have rolled down to her wanting to keep her 'baby boy' and him struggling to gain freedom from her despotic reign.

So when is the right time to cut the apron strings? There's no mean age cut off because everyone develops their maturity levels at different ages (hell, I'm 33 and still a child in so many ways) so can it be measured by milestones? Or will Mum's always try to rule the roost for their sons?

[Cherie]

I think, mothers who can not let go of their sons, have nothing happening in their lives. Now this is only my opinion from my own experiences. Either that, or they just do not have what it takes to survive without that constant feeling of being needed. Yes some mothers have been sole parents, but it is unfair to make them feel guilty because you cant cop it on your own.
My son is 34, and is a self dependant man.
My ambition was to raise my kids to the age of 18 years. In that period of time I tried to teach them as much as I could, to help them grow up respectable people, and enough life skills to be able to survive in todays world.
I feel I have been successful with two out of three, although my eldest still gives me grief, she could leave home now if she could afford it..
I am not the clingy type of mum that is annoying, I wanted them all out of here, by the time they were 21.
I love them all dearly, but there has to be a cut off period.
We are a very close family, but not in each others pockets..Always lots of hugs to share.

Edited to say: I meant to say I have a cut off period.. Maybe it's just me, I find I have so much to do in my life now to keep me busy without cleaning up after them..ie mess on the sinks, untidy rooms, washing etc.

[Kaylene]

I dont know who Princess is so no comment on that bit.

But I am the mother of a DD as well as 2 DS's - I dont think it was any different for a son or a daughter, my 2 oldest have both left home now, DD is 350km away, DS is 3 km away.
Its still hard for parents when they move out, I remember a lot of mixed emotion.
I still help them sometimes financially even though they both work, helped DS pay for some dental treatment for example, but their everyday lives are independent.

I dont think there is a set age for apron string cutting, depends on circumstances etc - for example a student going to Uni will be financially dependent longer than someone who gets a job straight after leaving school and I dont think it is a set cutting off either - by which I mean independence is gained gradually.
I also see nothing wrong with grown up children liveing at home till whatever age if all parties are happy with the arrangement and everyone pulls their weight, both financially and with household chores.

Just some random thoughts from me - not sure if this is answering your question

[redrobyn]

Maliss it's sounds like my d.d's ex when you talk about princess his mum was like that as well he had his own small business and owns his own home but doesn't make a move without running it past his mummy first the one time he stood up to her she wouldn't speak to him he was that upset over her attitude that her gave in to her..I don't think age has anything to do with cutting apron strings some are mature at different ages you just have to do your best to teach your kids and hope that's good enough it's not always the parents who have trouble cutting the apron strings sometimes it's the kids who don't want to.

[Stormy]

My first boyfriend was a mummy's boy. His mother was an elitist snob and I couldn't stand her. She would invite me for dinner and then deliberately make the meal so spicy that I could not eat it. And since I was a bit chubby then, she would make comments about how she didn't understand how I was a bigger girl given what little I ate off her table. She was truly malignant but he couldn't see how rude she was. He would always attribute any comments I perceived as nasty to me misunderstanding his mother's sense of humour. But she was not funny, she was just rude.

I didn't expect him to defend me against her but I was a bit angry with him when he said I should make more of an effort to please her. I think it was at that point that I realised there wasn't any future there. Still, it would have been nice if she had kept her nose out of things and let us make up our own minds that we weren't right for each other and it was never meant to last longer than a few weeks (which is something I realise now).

[redrobyn]

Sounds like my d.d's ex to a T Stormy she didn't have a hope from the start she made up her mind straight off that my daughter wasn't the one for her precious son she was right by like you said it's up to the people involved to find out not their mummies.

[Binx]

Princess is my BF, Kaylene. I call him that because he is way more 'girly' than me.

The thing with Princess is that he doesn't run anything past his mum, maybe if its medically related but the rest of the time he'll do something of his own accord and then when she finds out about it she'll have something to say.
With their relationship there is definitely an element of her being clingy. I don't understand why, after 27 years, she hasn't realised that he's stand-offish, stubborn, and independent. It's like she can't cotton on to the fact that he's not a 13 year old anymore, or the fact that Princess doesn't need her so intermingled in his life so completely anymore.

I'm glad he's not a Mummy's boy. But she is a very sore point for Princess & I; because I actively choose to cut her out of my life. I don't appreciate manipulation & controlling people in my life at any aspect so I don't understand why I should entertain her just because she's my boyfriend's mum...

[redrobyn]

Good on you Maliss shows strength of character.

[Cherie]

I hear you Maliss..
I don't mind my DIL or SIL not visiting or whatever if they should so please..I am however the only one who would not say anything bad about them because of it.
I think to myself que sera sera..suck it up and move on.

[Heather]

I am actively encouraging Sam to move out...really do feel that he will never mature nor earn a sense of responsibility whilst Mum is there to buy his clothes, wash and iron them, cook his meals and drive him around when he is too late for appointments or transport, which is what I choose to do for peace of mind.
We have recently spoken at length about this and he understands that I am coming to the end of my tether with him, so to save our relationship, he must move out as soon as he has a full time job (BTW he is looking harder than ever now ). I will miss him terribly, it's the hardest thing for a parent to do to push her baby out into the cold....but it has to be done.

My ex's was controlled by his Mother (maybe a Jewish thing?) even tho' he lived away from home and he was 30 when I married him......and initially there were strained moments between my XMIL and myself....but eventually she let go.