Dont know what to do...

[mykidsmylife]

hi everyone i am new to this site... wanted to get some other opinions on what i can do...

my situation... i have 2 children to my ex husband and everytime they come back from visiting him they have been told something negative about me and insists on trying to control me through our children... also his new fiance has a lot to say about things... i dont kno why this is happening and am getting frustrated at the situation.. my daughter tells me things which she asks me not to tell her father about because she is scared that he is going to get angry with her... which puts me in a really hard position.... i really would appreciate anyones ideas or suggestions... we have been through mediation and it hasnt worked...

[Heather]

You poor woman....nothing worse than anyone trying to belittle you through the children....and it's totally unfair to them as well.

How old are they?....my son was 12 when the ex left....according to my son, he had nothing positive to say about me. It hurt my son more than me....I was just plain angry. However, I asked my son if he could he really see me as bad as portrayed, the answer being no, I suggested that he ignore it all and that eventually their fun would diminish.

[Naomi]

I have no advice but my perspective as a child who grew up in a similar situation, I got extremely sick of the parent who always bad mouthed the other parent, and my relationship with that parent is pretty much non-existent now that I am an adult. I know that's no help to you now, and to be honest I can only assume if he's willing to bad mouth you to the children now, if you say anything to him it will only get worse

Make sure your children know you love them, show them through your actions you aren't the person he's saying you are and they will see through his games eventually.

It's so unfair on children when parents use them like that. I'm sorry you're having to live through it, and especially sorry that your children are.

[mykidsmylife]

Cheers Heather and Naomi,

My children are 7 and 5... I tell my children all the time that i love them and spend as much time with them as i can... But everything i do seems to be an issue and instead of talking to me about it, he chastises the kids and unfortunately they listen to him, I am now not even aloud to call the children baby girl and baby boy (which is just pet names i have always called them, because they'll always be my babies) because he doesn't like it, and he has told them what they can and can't call my new partner... I believe I am a good mother and I don't want to see them going through this, but i feel helpless... It seemed to get worse when I fell pregnant with my new partner...

[Sparkles]

hello...

what your ex tells you what you can call your own children......even pet names ?
why is it his business....

i think the kids as young as they are , are going to have to not tell him what goes on in your household...as its none of his business...

gees its a hard situation.

[MissSmack]

Tough situation I agree.

I would ring the husband (when the kids are with you) and say 'When you bad mouth me to the kids, it makes them feel sad because they love me" This is the consequence of that badmouthing. I know I"m a good person and I'm a good mother. Your words don't affect me, they hurt the kids. Just thought you should know.

And, whilst the children are with me, as per custody agreement (if you have one) I will call them Charlie Pasquale if I want to. Do not tell me how to parent the children during my time, and I will not tell you how to parent the children in your time. I do not badmouth you as their father and I expect the same courtesy from you (and your new girlfriend/wife)

Saying this - takes courage but you are fighting for your children. Stand up for yourself, like a strong mama lioness and fight for your cubs. He won't like it. He's not used to it. And above all, keep a diary of his behaviours and how it impacts on the children.

When the kids come to you with ''Why does Daddy say ...." - if they're old enough, ask them to ask Dad. Don't pad and protect him. He and only he is responsible for the relationship with his kids. If they are too young to understand I suggest saying "I don't know why Daddy does/say/is an absolute idiot (just kidding!) but I guess that's for Daddy to work out" - and distract them.

They will grow up forming their own relationship with Dad, experience let-downs, defend you and best of all, it's coming from kid to parent, not being driven from ex to ex.

Oh, if you really want to hit home, break it down to the kids gender.

If you have a boy, tell him 'you're teaching him how to treat women' and if you have a girl "you're teaching her that men talk down to women, and that's the kind of treatment she will attract when she's older, and forming her own relationships.' Some girls do model partner choices on Daddy.

Dads need to support their kids to be the best they can be. They will learn from him and role-model his behaviour. By assigning his behaviour to an outcome attached to the child (and not you) he may consider changing his behaviours.

Good luck!

xx

[cayte]

Seems to me a bit of good advice has been given. I can't add much, but justed wanted to make sure you always remember not to take on the rubbish being thrown at you. Stay strong and try to let it slide away as best you can.
"hugs"

[old woman]

If you have tried talking to your ex & it hasn't worked,you may need to send him a solicitors letter stating that he is not to belittle you in front of your children by word or deed. He needs to realise that if he wants to have a good relationship with his children,he has to have at least a polite & civil one with their Mum.

I never slagged my ex off to my kids when we split up ( tho me & his Mum used to call him every name from a dog to a pig when we were on our own!! )

[Cherie]

MKML..Hello,
Having been through the system I know first hand that what Miss Smack has said is very good advice.
I would definately call my children whatever I pleased, it seems to me if you are doing as he says, then he still has a hold over you. Stand up for yourself and tell him you will do what you please. And for him to stop criticising you or you will take him to court..better still go and enquire what options are available to you in case you need to do this. It wont be long before the children are able to speak for themselves, and if you stay doing the correct thing the children will be loyal to you. They are not stupid and can see where each person is coming from, even from a young age.
Never run down the ex's partner or the ex..as that can backfire..

[mykidsmylife]

Hi everyone,

thx heaps for your advice, i will be definitely taking it on-board, especially in our next mediation session... You all have given me more strength and for that i am grateful... xo